Letters to friends...

Dear B -

I keep waiting for you to be the bigger person here and to provide me with some type of acknowledgement of pain, but it looks like that's not going to happen. The other day when you were here and came up to my room I kept waiting and waiting for you to apologize or make some kind of effort to make amends, but... nothing. So I guess I'll have to be the one to talk about the elephant in the room. And I guess sit will be easier to start from the beginning.

Last summer, G and M's relationship effectively eliminated the relationship between G and I. And the whole time I was talking about it, you were there. You saw how hard it was for me. You saw how angry and hurt I was by both of them. And you were right there saying how fucked up it was of G to continue to jeopardize our friendship. Not to mention all the times that you made comments about not wanting me to hook up with Kevin. Because you said it way more than once, and at no time were you joking. We were in agreement about friends not hooking up with our little brothers. Or so I thought.

For the next several months, M continued to be a source of pain in my life. He was unappreciative of me, quit his job, let my father pay his bills for the last 9 months, talks to me like he's a bratty and entitled teenager, and has not followed through on ONE thing that he told me he would do when he moved here. I was so excited for him to get here and thought I would have a sense of family for the first time. I tried to include M in everything, I tried to think of things for us to do, like having parties, going hiking, going to see Colorado attractions, etc. But M wanted nothing to do with me. All he wanted to do was sit in my basement, smoke weed, and play video games. And hang out with G.

In April, you and M spent the night together and I was furious. I was so mad at you I could hardly speak. When we went for drinks two weeks later you said to me, "I'm sorry about M. I was out of line."

Then you came down for my graduation and somehow turned the whole weekend into being about you. You orchestrate Thursday night perfectly so that I would be occupied with someone else and you and M could be together. Then you spent the rest of the weekend so obviously all over each other. I can't tell you how many people took me aside to ask me what was going on between you two. Then, a week later, when you finally got the guts to talk to me about it, you were surprised that I was upset.

What on Earth would possibly give you the idea that I would have been ok with you and M dating? Was it the fact that G and I aren't friends anymore because of the same reason? Was it how you once told me that hooking up with my brother would be like hooking up with your own brother? Was it all the times you told me not to hook up with Kevin? Was it the fact that I was furious with you for spending the night with him in April? Seriously, what was it that made you think I wouldn't be made? Or did you just think the rules were different for you?

Now, all that stuff aside, let’s look at the person who you chose to destroy our friendship for. He is significantly younger than you, has no job, no money, no education, and is leaving for boot camp. He is the kind of person who is content to sit in a recliner for 9 months while someone else foots his bill. He is the kind of person who talks to me like a spoiled teenager talks to their mother. He tells people what they want to hear at the time with no intent to follow through, he has no emotional depth, and has proven his character over and over again by the way he has treated me. And this is what you think a "man" is? This was worth risking our friendship over? I will never understand that. I would never have done anything to you that I knew would hurt you. I would never have jeopardized our friendship. Ever.

When you talked to me about you and M in May, I told you all of this. I told you how much it would hurt me, I told you it would damage our friendship, and I told you how I felt about all of it. But you chose to pursue the relationship anyway. You made a fully informed decision knowing what the potential consequences might be and you proceeded anyway. And then you were surprised by my reaction and upset at the natural consequences. I feel like you didn't really think I would get mad, so you went ahead and did what you wanted anyway, then when I did get mad, you tried to place the blame on me.

I was prepared to walk away from you and M and never look back. I thought maybe someday you and I would be able to work things out, after he left and your relationship disintegrated (which I still think will happen), but now that there's a baby involved I can't walk away. Now, you and I will be forever tied and I will have a constant reminder of how hurtful it was to lose my best friend. And, somehow, everyone thinks that because there's a baby involved that all my hurt feelings will just disappear. But it doesn't work that way! You know what would help make the hurt go away? Some kind of acknowledgement of the fact that you hurt me! An acknowledgement of the fact that you betrayed me and threw away 10 years of friendship for a guy, a guy who is most likely cheating on you and will continue to do so as long as you're together.

But you haven't done any of that. You told me that you haven't done anything wrong, invited me out to dinner (with you and M, which I already said I didn't want to do), claimed that you have "tried" to make amends, and called me a 5-year-old. After everything we've been through together, I deserve more than that. I deserve a phone call, an apology, an acknowledgement, SOMETHING that indicates that our friendship was important and worth it to you to salvage. You have hurt me more than maybe anyone has ever hurt me before, even Matt. You were more like family to me than anyone I am actually related to and you just threw it away and never looked back.

When you have that baby and end up raising it by yourself (because regardless of whether you and M stay together, that's what will happen), or when you and M break-up, you're going to need a friend. I am a true and loyal friend. I have always been honest with you, I have always been there for you, and I have always defended you when other people were talking shit. I am just, still, amazed that you would risk that type of friendship for a relationship with a guy. Any guy. But especially one who has proven himself to be the type of person that M has continually proven himself to be. I just don't get it.

And having said all of that, there's still the piece of the puzzle that was like the final jab. You know my entire life. You know all about the relationship with my dad and that side of the family, how he was never there for us, how he treats Stephen and I like the practice family while he handed M and Lisa everything, etc. And now, because you and M made an irresponsible choice, you get to walk right into that family and be accepted, a position which I feel like I have had to fight and claw my way to get. It's like you are sleeping with the enemy in as many ways as possible.

So that's it. There's the elephant in the room that no one will talk about. I don’t want to hold on to the hurt and anger I feel towards you, but I don’t know how to let it go. Especially since you seem to be completely oblivious to any of it. I don't want to be the family member who is absent from this child's life, but I don’t know how to be a part of his/her life without showing the negative feelings I have for you and M right now. It would be great if we could work this out, but I don't know how to do that.