Stop worrying, I'm fine. Really.

When I was growing up, I had to deal with a lot of hardships in my family. But through it all, no one worried about me. Or, at least, no one expressed that they were worried about me. And I did fine. I was a good student and an overall good kid. Not that I was perfect, not by any means! But overall, pretty good. I think at some point people just expected that of me. And they quit paying attention.

I got mixed up in some craziness. I was acting out, doing a ton of drugs, lost a bunch of weight, and had mysterious scars all over my arms. Still, no one seemed to notice. I moved out of the house and cleaned up my act a little. But I had quit college and was still partying a lot. Not so much with the drugs anymore, but I was going out drinking more nights than I wasn't. And still, no one seemed to notice.

Then I really did clean up my act and went back to college. I threw myself in full force; full-time classes, extracurriculars, research, the whole none, still while I was working a full-time day job. And suddenly everyone was concerned! "Is Gina ok?" "How will she manage?" "Can she maintain a C average?" What the fuck?!?!? Hey people, I think you're all a little delayed on the appropriate time to be concerned about me!! Not only was I "ok," but I graduated near the top of my class with honors.

I took some time off to gain some experience in my field of choice, planning to go back to school after about a year. Everyone got worried again. "Will she really go back?" But I did. And not only did I go back, but again, I am excelling. During this time I did have an emotional setback (hence the first 5 posts on this blog). And although some people in my life were concerned about me, and rightly so, these were not the people who had previously failed to notice me or had worried at the wrong times. These were people relatively new to my life. So, the people that had failed to notice my struggles previously in my life had once again failed to notice.

Now I finally feel like I am starting to feel like me again. So, of course, there are people who are just now expressing concern. "I'm worried about you." "You're drinking too much." "You're not connecting with your emotions." "You're not letting yourself grieve."

Grieve?!?! You don't think I know how to grieve?!?!? I feel like I have practiced grieving for my entire life! I spent three of the past 6 months crying and you people never noticed! So if I want to go out and drink and disconnect from my emotions a little, I think that's perfectly fine! Yes, I have made some errors in judgement recently, but I am not 16 anymore. And furthermore, you people didn't notice what was going on in my life at 16 anyway, so why bother now that I'm an adult?

And, yes, I know that I don't have the greatest track record with guys. So when you find out that I have recently spoken to a person whom you all consider to be the biggest mistake I ever made, please restrain yourselves from commenting. Try and trust that I am a grown up. Try and trust that I have learned from the events of my past. Try and trust that if I managed to get through the past (almost) 30 years relatively unscathed, that I can make it through the next 30 just as successfully. And for once, could you please just try to be open minded and accepting of who I am and who I choose to be.

Poor Cinderella...

So, today was the day. I'm sort of surprised that both of those fine police officers showed up at my DMV hearing today, but they did! No driving for me for 90 days. My coach has officially turned into a pumpkin. :(

In other news, I hear that DB and his new girlfriend are still together and disgustingly happy. (Blegh!!!) Then the other day I had a flashback of how whiny he always was, how lazy and unmotivated, and I felt so grateful that I got away before I was tied down forever!!

I haven't heard from TDH, so maybe he and his girlfriend worked things out. I kind of hope they did... if that's what he wanted. I just want him to be happy. Last time I saw him he didn't seem that way.

As for the rest of the boy situation, I seem to be doing a pretty good job of juggling them... There are just enough of them to keep me from getting attached to any one boy. Dating in order to avoid getting hurt? I think I may have turned into a man!

Fear not, Cinderella, I am still waiting for my Prince Charming! But until he shows up, a girl has to have some fun, right???

Hugs and kisses to all!!
xoxo

Back in the Game

Things have been slow on the blog front... I guess that means nothing too exciting has happened, but that's not quite true either...

I spent the month of February trying to deal with some of the ramifications of my recent poor judgement. I think things are under control for now; check back with me after March 12th.

I also spent the month trying to throw myself into school. Not to avoid anything, but to try and get my shit together after such a poor showing last semester. I have done well so far! I have been working really hard and feel like I have found my groove. (However, I am supposed to be writing my thesis right now...)

I recently spent an amazing, fun-filled, rock star weekend in Denver with one of my dear friends a few weeks ago in a last ditch effort to have some fun before my legal consequences come into effect. It was awesome! And I finally got that whole dancing on a bar thing out of my system for awhile :) And I met a boy, so I guess I'm back in the game.

And speaking of boys, let me just say that I am not impressed with the online dating thing. It sucks. Either that, or I'm completely undesirable, and I'm not ready to admit to that possibility yet.

Another interesting development has happened on the boy situation... An old boyfriend of mine, let's call him MW, has recently contacted me. I hadn't heard from him since August (when Matt and I were still happy). Well, MW called me a few weeks ago to say hello. Upon finding out that I was single again, it sparked a whole conversation about why things didn't work out between us and if the timing would ever be right again. I would LOVE to give this guy another shot. I have thought about him often, even while Matt and I were still together. However, as much as he says that he would also like to give things another go, he is currently living with his girlfriend. So... as not to be the other woman, I am trying to keep my distance...

I'll keep you posted.
xoxo

The Beginning of the Downward Spiral??

My hope has finally been realized! I got a comment from someone who randomly found my blog and found a little piece of herself in it. That was sort of the whole reason I started this thing in the first place, so I am very happy to be sharing my misery with the rest of the world! :) Hang in there Jeanne! He wasn't good enough for you anyway!!

Unfortunately, as luck would have it, the misery, is to some extent, continuing. I have been feeling so good lately; finally like myself again. The new year started out well, I was just getting back on the right track for school, and life was looking up. Then my poor judgment crept back in and landed me in a bit of legal trouble. The possible ramifications of this event could be severe enough to hinder the very thing that I've been working so hard to accomplish. So now I wonder if all the sacrifice has been worth it. And, furthermore, will it be worth it to make continual sacrifices?? OK, cognitively, I know the right answer here, but I'm just not feeling hopeful or optimistic about my immediate future...

I have always thought that my life has played out exactly as it was supposed to... even with the Matt. In fact, I just had to write a self-reflection paper about that very thing, and it continued to affirm my beliefs that I was on the right path. Now, due to recent developments, I'm starting to question everything. I hate that. I hate the uncertainty. It makes me want to quit school, quit my job, put all my stuff in storage, and move to NY with the kitties.

And FYI, I can totally see now how previously successful, high functioning people become alcoholics and drug addicts... All I want to do is run away from my life, get wasted, and dance on a bar. Any takers??

On the other side

So, if you've gotten this far, then you're all up to date! That's my story so far. Thanks for putting up with all of the anger and screaming and cussing, I'll try to keep it to a minimum in the future. :)

After I finally found out the whole story, I screamed for a day, then I cried for a day, then I was done. I'm finally feeling like my old self again! I'm getting back into the swing of grad school. (I was a big slacker while going through all of the break-up bullshit.) I'm feeling like I want to go and hang out with my friends, meet new people, etc. And I'm finally ready to date again! This might be partially accredited to a friend of mine who was there to console me on a lonely evening and a boy that I met on New Year's. By the way, I might have to re-think Rule number 3...

So, I joined eharmony in an effort to expand my horizons. If nothing else, I'm sure I'll have some great stories to tell you all!

Dear Matt...

Dear Matt,

How sad for you that you don't even have the courage to come to my front door and leave my belongings for me.

How sad for you that you have so little self-respect that you don't believe that you deserve the best. You choose instead to settle for mediocrity.

How sad for you that you are so scared and uncertain of your future that you can't even face it. You choose instead to submerge yourself in the past and cling to your youth by dating people who are closer to your teenage son's age than to your own.

How sad for you that you are 35 years old and have no idea who you are or what your dreams and goals might be.

How sad for you that you are so weak that you can't even stand up for what you want. You choose instead to lie to people and tell them only what you think they want to hear.

How sad for your two young boys that they will base their future relationships on the examples set for them by you and Josh, thus perpetuating the cycle of mistreatment toward women. How sad that they don't have an example of the way a real man should behave.

For so long I felt like you stole everything from me. You took from me: my best friend, the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, the family that I thought I was going to be a part of, my favorite place to hang out with my friends, and the last 2 and a half months of my life. But no more. I'm done letting you take from me. And I'm done wasting my energy on you. There is no need for me to wish unhappiness for you. Clearly, you are already unhappy, and that's why you made the decisions that you did. I feel nothing for you anymore; not sadness, not anger, not even respect. I have found my peace, but I suspect that you have not.

Lying, Cheating, Piece of Shit!

Lying motherfucking sack of shit!!!! Myspace is the devil...

I don't know why I thought this would be a good idea, but today I looked up the ex's myspace page. I had looked at it before, but it was a page that wasn't really used, he hadn't logged on since like 2006, or something like that. Well, of course, now the page is active. His status? "In a relationship" With who? His ex-girlfriend. Get this... This bitch used to come by Matt's bar all the time, and I always got a weird feeling about her. But he assured me, over and over again, that nothing was going on. He said that they dated for awhile a long time ago, but she dumped him and went back to her ex. But still, Matt acted different every time she was around. And she was around a lot. But every time I confronted him, he would feed me what was apparently a huge line of bullshit.

"No, baby, I love you. You're the one I want to spend my life with. We're partners."

Even when we were breaking up... "When I see my future, you're still in it. We live in a big house together by a lake. You changed my life. I can't picture it without you."

Mother fucker!!!! You lying piece of shit!!! I bet he was fucking that bitch for months before he broke up with me.

Guys, here's a tip for you. No matter what, it's always better to just tell the truth. If Matt had just told me that he wanted to date someone else, it would have devastated me, but it also would have saved me weeks of thinking that maybe there was something there for me to hold onto. He and I even talked about this and he assured me that if it ever got to that point, he would have enough respect for me to simply tell me the truth. But, since Matt is "non-confrontational," he didn't have the balls to tell me the truth. Instead, he strung me along for weeks, letting me think that there was a future there for us.

I don't know if I'm more mad that he's such a big fucking liar, or more mad that I suspected what was going on all along and didn't trust my instincts enough. Regardless, I should have known better than to go searching for him. I repeat, myspace is the devil...