"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!"

M and I are having our very first party at the house this coming Saturday. It is a chance for us to open the house to my friends and introduce them all to the infamous little brother. I went back and forth for a long time with myself about whether or not to invite friend G.

I am still having a hard time dealing with the fact that I feel like she used me to get to M and that she in essence chose him over me. I feel like vying for his affection was more important to her than the potential harm it would do to the relationship between her and I. I know this is somewhat ridiculous and irrational, (ok, it is A LOT irrational) but it is still the way I feel. I found out recently that G and M have been talking pretty frequently and have seen each other a few times. I also know that she is continuing to act in ways for him that she would not act for other people, but that's kind of a different story.

Back to the topic at hand; we are having a party and after much deliberation, I chose not to invite her. I don't want there to be drama and I want to be able to just relax and enjoy myself. Last night at dinner M asked me if G was going to be at the party and I told him I didn't invite her. Then he told me that he already invited her... like 4 days ago. We ended up having a pretty big argument about the situation and I ended up not sleeping last night because of it. I could simply not stop ruminating about the situation!!! I can't stop feeling hurt and angry and betrayed at both of them. I hate feeling that way and I hate that I couldn't make it stop last night.

Today I called my dear friend S and asked her to "therapize" me. (She's a fabulous therapist!) She asked me to just think about the situation, not the players and to focus on me. "Gina, what message is this situation sending to you about yourself?" It stopped me dead in my tracks because the first thing that popped into my head was, "I'm not enough." Something about this situation taps into this misguided core belief I have that I'm not enough. I wasn't enough to hold on to ex-bf M, my friendship isn't enough or important enough to G for her to respect this one request of mine, and I'm not enough even for my family. I'm not enough and I'm not worthy of receiving anyone's unconditional love.

This isn't something that I think on a conscious level, or that I'm even aware of most of the time, but apparently its there. So how do I deal with it? And what am I supposed to do in the meantime?