Letters to friends...

Dear B -

I keep waiting for you to be the bigger person here and to provide me with some type of acknowledgement of pain, but it looks like that's not going to happen. The other day when you were here and came up to my room I kept waiting and waiting for you to apologize or make some kind of effort to make amends, but... nothing. So I guess I'll have to be the one to talk about the elephant in the room. And I guess sit will be easier to start from the beginning.

Last summer, G and M's relationship effectively eliminated the relationship between G and I. And the whole time I was talking about it, you were there. You saw how hard it was for me. You saw how angry and hurt I was by both of them. And you were right there saying how fucked up it was of G to continue to jeopardize our friendship. Not to mention all the times that you made comments about not wanting me to hook up with Kevin. Because you said it way more than once, and at no time were you joking. We were in agreement about friends not hooking up with our little brothers. Or so I thought.

For the next several months, M continued to be a source of pain in my life. He was unappreciative of me, quit his job, let my father pay his bills for the last 9 months, talks to me like he's a bratty and entitled teenager, and has not followed through on ONE thing that he told me he would do when he moved here. I was so excited for him to get here and thought I would have a sense of family for the first time. I tried to include M in everything, I tried to think of things for us to do, like having parties, going hiking, going to see Colorado attractions, etc. But M wanted nothing to do with me. All he wanted to do was sit in my basement, smoke weed, and play video games. And hang out with G.

In April, you and M spent the night together and I was furious. I was so mad at you I could hardly speak. When we went for drinks two weeks later you said to me, "I'm sorry about M. I was out of line."

Then you came down for my graduation and somehow turned the whole weekend into being about you. You orchestrate Thursday night perfectly so that I would be occupied with someone else and you and M could be together. Then you spent the rest of the weekend so obviously all over each other. I can't tell you how many people took me aside to ask me what was going on between you two. Then, a week later, when you finally got the guts to talk to me about it, you were surprised that I was upset.

What on Earth would possibly give you the idea that I would have been ok with you and M dating? Was it the fact that G and I aren't friends anymore because of the same reason? Was it how you once told me that hooking up with my brother would be like hooking up with your own brother? Was it all the times you told me not to hook up with Kevin? Was it the fact that I was furious with you for spending the night with him in April? Seriously, what was it that made you think I wouldn't be made? Or did you just think the rules were different for you?

Now, all that stuff aside, let’s look at the person who you chose to destroy our friendship for. He is significantly younger than you, has no job, no money, no education, and is leaving for boot camp. He is the kind of person who is content to sit in a recliner for 9 months while someone else foots his bill. He is the kind of person who talks to me like a spoiled teenager talks to their mother. He tells people what they want to hear at the time with no intent to follow through, he has no emotional depth, and has proven his character over and over again by the way he has treated me. And this is what you think a "man" is? This was worth risking our friendship over? I will never understand that. I would never have done anything to you that I knew would hurt you. I would never have jeopardized our friendship. Ever.

When you talked to me about you and M in May, I told you all of this. I told you how much it would hurt me, I told you it would damage our friendship, and I told you how I felt about all of it. But you chose to pursue the relationship anyway. You made a fully informed decision knowing what the potential consequences might be and you proceeded anyway. And then you were surprised by my reaction and upset at the natural consequences. I feel like you didn't really think I would get mad, so you went ahead and did what you wanted anyway, then when I did get mad, you tried to place the blame on me.

I was prepared to walk away from you and M and never look back. I thought maybe someday you and I would be able to work things out, after he left and your relationship disintegrated (which I still think will happen), but now that there's a baby involved I can't walk away. Now, you and I will be forever tied and I will have a constant reminder of how hurtful it was to lose my best friend. And, somehow, everyone thinks that because there's a baby involved that all my hurt feelings will just disappear. But it doesn't work that way! You know what would help make the hurt go away? Some kind of acknowledgement of the fact that you hurt me! An acknowledgement of the fact that you betrayed me and threw away 10 years of friendship for a guy, a guy who is most likely cheating on you and will continue to do so as long as you're together.

But you haven't done any of that. You told me that you haven't done anything wrong, invited me out to dinner (with you and M, which I already said I didn't want to do), claimed that you have "tried" to make amends, and called me a 5-year-old. After everything we've been through together, I deserve more than that. I deserve a phone call, an apology, an acknowledgement, SOMETHING that indicates that our friendship was important and worth it to you to salvage. You have hurt me more than maybe anyone has ever hurt me before, even Matt. You were more like family to me than anyone I am actually related to and you just threw it away and never looked back.

When you have that baby and end up raising it by yourself (because regardless of whether you and M stay together, that's what will happen), or when you and M break-up, you're going to need a friend. I am a true and loyal friend. I have always been honest with you, I have always been there for you, and I have always defended you when other people were talking shit. I am just, still, amazed that you would risk that type of friendship for a relationship with a guy. Any guy. But especially one who has proven himself to be the type of person that M has continually proven himself to be. I just don't get it.

And having said all of that, there's still the piece of the puzzle that was like the final jab. You know my entire life. You know all about the relationship with my dad and that side of the family, how he was never there for us, how he treats Stephen and I like the practice family while he handed M and Lisa everything, etc. And now, because you and M made an irresponsible choice, you get to walk right into that family and be accepted, a position which I feel like I have had to fight and claw my way to get. It's like you are sleeping with the enemy in as many ways as possible.

So that's it. There's the elephant in the room that no one will talk about. I don’t want to hold on to the hurt and anger I feel towards you, but I don’t know how to let it go. Especially since you seem to be completely oblivious to any of it. I don't want to be the family member who is absent from this child's life, but I don’t know how to be a part of his/her life without showing the negative feelings I have for you and M right now. It would be great if we could work this out, but I don't know how to do that.

The Wish List

A long time ago, I heard about "wish boards." Wish boards are bulletin boards, or some other place in your house, where you post things that you want to work on, to come true, or to provide inspiration. An even longer time ago, I had someone tell me that the best way to get what you want in a relationship is to write a list of all the qualities you are looking for. Then put the list in a drawer and don't think about it; your subconscious will do the work for you.

A couple of years ago I decided to combine those two ideas. I made myself a wish board, inspired by something I used to say to an ex-boyfriend ("What about me?!"). On the wish board, one of the things I added was a sealed red envelope. Inside the envelope I had made a list of all the things I wanted in a relationship. I haven't looked at it since I made it several years ago, but, since I'm still single, I think it's safe to say the boyfriend list didn't work. So let's take a look...

• tall, dark, and handsome
• great kisser; lots of chemistry
• makes me feel beautiful and safe
• unconditional trust; faithful
• good job, good family, good conversationalist
• gets along with my friends and family
• makes me laugh
• doesn't need a babysitter
• non-douchebag
• strong; my emotional and intellectual equal; able to tell me when I'm wrong without being an asshole
• gives me butterflies
• is the perfect guy for me

I think that's a pretty good list, but I have a few more things to add:

• I want him to adore me.
• I want to be first in his life. I have spent too much time being second place (or third or fourth) to addictions, work, or other people
• I want to have equally great emotional and physical chemistry. I will no longer sacrifice one for the other.

After spending a good, but somewhat unsatisfying weekend in Glenwood, I though I would revisit my list and see what I had told my subconscious to look for. Since I still agree on all those things I wrote, I guess I just haven't met him yet. My brain keeps trying to fit the guys I already know into this list, much like trying to force a puzzle piece into the wrong spot.

Hopefully this means he is still out there somewhere.

Glenwood Pete

Ugh! I don't know what my problem is! I am in Glenwood Springs for the weekend, visiting P. I got here yesterday afternoon, did a little shopping, then P and I went to the grocery store and came back to his apartment and had dinner. Today, he had to work, so I went to a coffee shop and worked for awhile, then I did a little more shopping (I bought a super-cute red argyle sweater!), and came home and made brownies, which I burned. After P got home from work, we went out for a nice dinner at a cute little Italian restaurant. SO what is my problem?! I feel so BLAH! I can't tell if it's because of something going on with me, or if it's something going on between me and him. Things are fine, but they don't feel quite as "click-y" as they did when he came to see me a few weeks ago. Maybe I just feel disappointed that I am realizing he still isn't in a place to give me what I need or want.

I gotta snap out of it. Even if he can't give me what I need/want in the long term, that's no reason for me to ruin a perfectly good weekend. So... it's ok that I'm disappointed. It's ok that I built something up in my head that was unrealistic. It's ok. Now that I have gotten a reality check, I just need to move on an enjoy the rest of my weekend. Right?

$$$

I have decided to take my financial life by the reins and finally try to get my act together! Ever since I graduated I have tried to take all my OCD tendencies that served me so well during school and focus them on my personal finances. I have spent lots of time and energy sorting, organizing, checking my numbers, and really trying to stay on top of it the past few months.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm still totally broke! But I feel like I have a pretty good handle on things right now. I know where the money is going, I'm not bouncing things left and right, and I have been pretty successful at putting every extra penny I find toward one of my many bills. Hopefully I will start to see some headway pretty soon!

Let's Go to the Movies

There are so many upcoming movies I am excited about seeing, all of them totally horrible and cheesy!

I hear they are in production for a Men in Black III and a Bad Boys III, both of them to tentatively be released in 2012 and both of them to star Will Smith and his respective colleagues. I hope they prove to be as good a trilogy as did the Scream series, which is now set to be a quad! (I don't know the technical movie lingo for a 4-part series.) Scream IV is set to be released April 15, 2011! Mark your calendars, people! And for the last of the upcoming cheese-fest, The Hangover II, set to be released in May 2011. If it holds true to typical movie format, it won't be very good, but they will make a third installment in a couple of years that will redeem the trilogy.

I also heard there was a possibility of a movie about the Stanford Prison Experiment. I can't figure out if it was released and never talked about in 2010, or if it is still in development, possibly to be released in 2011. If you're unfamiliar with Phillip Zimbardo's Stanford Prison Experiment, you should check it out. It is one of the greatest psychological experiments ever conducted. 

What are you looking forward to?

Dancing Shoes

Last year my old dance school held a reunion in honor of the director's retirement. At the reunion I reconnected with my friend, Erica, who I danced with for many years. We have kept in touch via Facebook over the last year. She started writing me in June asking if I wanted to take dance classes again this fall. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to dance again, but I am scared! Having a friend to do it with would be great! I tried to take a ballet class a few years ago, but (a) my body does not do so easily what it did 15 years ago, (b) it's really difficult to find dance clothes in a size 16, and (c) dance classes are crazy expensive! But Erica solved many of those problems for me! She is about my size, so we would have each other to lean on in that respect, and she found a studio (directed my another former teacher of mine) that is only $35/month for unlimited adult classes, including yoga and pilates! Fantastic!

And then Suki became the Million Dollar Kitty... so dance classes are put on hold for yet one more year. But I have been going to the gym pretty regularly, so maybe by next year I will be better prepared for the classes.

In other dancing news, remember how I said I might be doing my every two year pas de deux again with P? I think maybe I was wrong. The ebb and flow has happened pretty quickly this time. However, I  do have plans to go visit him in Glenwood Springs this weekend, and he is actually moving back to Colorado Springs next month, so we shall see what the fall brings!

At any rate, I feel like the universe is telling me to dance, I'm just not sure where to take the floor or who to take as partner.

K.I.T.

A friend of mine recently deleted her facebook page. She has been known to cyberstalk ex-boyfriends to an obsessive amount and thought it would be better for her mental health if she didn't have that option anymore. In one way, this is so good for her! She needs to distance herself from that stuff. On the other hand, I never realized how much I subconsciously communicated with her via FB. Now that she's gone, I really miss her on there!

It got me to thinking about how technology has closed the gap in communication in so many ways. FB, myspace, twitter, blogs, and other social networks allow us all to keep track of everyone's lives without having to spend hours on the phone with people every night. Although I miss that type of deeper communication, who has time for that?! I also love the outpouring of support that the social network provides. Have you had a birthday on FB yet? Holy birthday wishes!!! And, in times of need, you get more support than you ever expected. (I had to take Suki to the emergency room today and got all kinds of unexpected support from my FB friends!)

All this is really just to say that I am so glad I have been blogging lately and that it allows me and my dear friend, M, to keep in touch!

Mich - I love you like a sister! In fact, you are more like a sister to me than my own sister! I am so glad that we have been friends for so long and that our friendship has endured love and loss, hardships and distance. I don't know what I would do without you! I am looking forward to seeing you soon so I can give you a great big hug!!

P.S. I like your new layout! It is very fitting with the NYC pictures you have been posting!

Just another Friday night in the 719

It has been a bust and productive week! My co-worker and fellow classmate and I are travelling to San Diego next week for the American Psychological Association's annual convention. It is the mother of all psych conferences! She and I are both presenting our own research, as well as attending presentations by our colleagues and other people in the field. It's like Nerd Fest 2010 for psychologists! While I'm in San Diego I hope to visit the zoo, the beach, and see my friend, M! It has been way too long and we are overdue for a bitch-fest and some drinks!

I dropped off Little Brother at the airport yesterday. He is heading back to VA for a visit before he leaves for boot camp in October. He'll also have to tell our dad about his new status as father-to-be. What I wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall during that discussion! For those of you living in VA, if you hear screaming and shouting from the Springfield area, just ignore it. It's just my father going ballistic.

That means I have 6 glorious days of the house all to myself before I head off to CA! Last night I hosted a Slumber Party at my house for my girlfriends. It was way more fun than I thought it would be! After work today, I plan to go home, do some elliptical, then settle in with my leftover party foods and Netflix. Have I mentioned how much I love Netflix lately? I freakin' love it! I am starting to watch the Buffy the Vampire Slayer tv series. I only watched the pilot, so I hope it gets better. Any suggestions for other series' I should add to my addictions?

Friends & Brothers: Part II

I was watching one of my new favorite teeny-bopper dramas when the girls involved began talking about friendship. I have been so blessed in my life to have some of the best friends ever. I think it was God's way of making up for the fact that the rest of my family was kind of a hot mess. I have friends who I have known since I was in kindergarten, and some I have know only a few short years. These women I speak of have made all the difference in my life: Sarah, Julie, Lori, Mich, and Sheri.

Up until recently there would be two other names on that list: Gale and Brianne. My little brother, M, the ultimate disappointment, has successfully created divides in these friendships which cannot be repaired. (You can read all about the drama between Gale and M from last summer in case you've forgotten! It all starts in my post entitled Friends & Brothers from July 2009.)

Well, the drama has now been replicated with B. Despite my hurt and anger from last time, despite the numerous conversations I have had with her and M, they decided to pursue a relationships anyway.

• I don't understand how someone who claims to be one of my best friends would intentionally pursue anything knowing how much it would hurt me and that it already ended on friendship of mine.
• I don't understand what a 30-year-old woman would want with a 24-year-old man-child who doesn't have a job, doesn't have an education, doesn't have any money, has sat in his sister's basement for the past 8 months playing video games, and is leaving for boot camp in 2 months.
• I don't understand how someone who is my friend would pursue a relationship with someone who has hurt me so continually for the last 13 months.

I have been dealing with this since April. Finally, I realized that her behavior, in combination with many other events that have happened over the past year, indicate that I have outgrown this relationship. I made peaces with that and was ready to walk away and never see or speak to her again; the damage is irreparable.

Then, last night, I found out that she's pregnant.

I have to figure out somehow to deal with this wretched person whom I do not want to associate with for the rest of my life. I can't imagine a time when I'll feel ok with her. I can't imagine having to spend holidays with her and M and their spawn. I can't imagine a time when this won't hurt. I have know idea how to reconcile this in my head.

Shall we dance?

There have been two great loves in my life, P and J. (Too bad I never fell in love with a Brad, huh?!) I have dated each guy many, many times. Too many times!!! But I don't know what happens, every couple of years we find our way back to each other. J and I have only been down that road a few times. The most recent was only a few months ago, but before that it had been several years. P is another story...

P and I met in high school, dated for two years, then he moved away, then he moved back and we got back together, then we lived together, then we broke up, then a year later we got back together, then we broke up... you get the point. We haven't officially dated in several years, but we have had definite times of connectedness, both physically and emotionally. It's like we have to check-in with each other every so often and say, "Is it right yet? Can we finally make this work? Have we grown-up enough to get our shit together? ... No? Ok, see ya again in a couple years."

Now that it has been a sufficient amount of time, it appears that it is time for he and I to dance again.

It has become kind of a joke between he and I because every time we do this, his family and our friends start asking all kinds of questions about what's happening, when are we getting back together, when is the wedding, etc. We just look at each other and laugh, knowing that in many ways we are perfect for each other, soul mates, but at the same time knowing that we can't try to make it right if it just isn't, we've done that too many times before.

We have finally come to enjoy each other's company for the time that we have it. But maybe someday... maybe.

P.S. Happy Birthday to my bestie, M!!! I love you and can't wait to have a celebratory drink with you!! XOXO

Mistress Gina

It seems like every 6 months or so I decode to be a blogger, which lats for about 2 weeks and then I disappear again! So here we go on that journey once more!

Things that have happened since my last post:

1. I defended my thesis and fucking rocked it!!
2. I graduated, and now that I am officially a "Master" you must all address me as Mistress Gina. :-)
3. I ended my pseudo-relationship with J and am still single.
4. I have not gotten any more cats to fill the void in my life, but I contemplate it daily.
5. I am more disappointed by my little brother every day that he lives in my house.
6. I am more proud of my older brother every day that he stays clean! (Monday will be 30 days!)
7. I have found my way back to the gym, however, I have not lost any weight or dropped any sizes. 
8. An old dance friend and I might be taking dance classes again this fall! Yay!!
9. I have been travelling like crazy this summer!!! North Carolina, Wisconsin, San Diego, Glenwood Springs, maybe North Carolina again, and Toronto and LA in the next couple of months.
10. I feel scared and happy and nervous and sad and excited about my future in ways I never have before! 

As an aside, I like that my blog is anonymous and none of my friends (besides Mich) know about it. Sometimes I wish I could share it more, but there are some things I have written that I wouldn't want other people I know to read about, so I keep the whole thing private. Maybe if more people knew about it, I would write more consistently... Does anyone know if there is a way to control privacy settings per post?