Evelyn Louise Bowen

Just as life starts to get back to "normal" there has to be a crisis, right?

Let me give you some history first... My parents were divorced when I was a baby. My mom then moved my brother and I to Colorado Springs because that's where her parents lived. I spent lots of time with my gramma when I was little, then, after my mom died in 1990, my gramma raised me. For the past few years, my gramma has been living with my aunt and uncle due to the increasing severity of her Alzheimer's Disease. Finally, on June 30, she lost the battle and passed away.

I have known this moment was coming and have been dreading it for years. Now that it has come and gone, I feel... nothing. At least, I don't feel like I thought I would. It's been almost 2 weeks since she passed, and I haven't even cried. I feel almost relieved for her. And, truthfully, I feel relieved for my aunt and uncle. I know it has been a strain on them to care for her 24 hours a day, especially during this past year. I guess for me, it feels like I lost my gramma several years ago. Long gone are the days when she would yell at me for wearing too much makeup, or for hanging out with the wrong crowd, like she did when I was a teenager.

I have been trying to think about the relationship we had as adults, but we didn't really get to have one. By the time I had moved out of the house, and grown up enough to not act like such a bitch all the time, she had already started her mental decline. Two summers ago I flew with her to visit her family in West Virginia. The trip out was fine and we had a good time together. But after I got there, I got to see how much she had declined. She was paranoid and angry, and even became violent with me at one point. However, when I flew back out to pick her up, she was the same happy gramma I had left Colorado with. I don't think she even remembered the trip, but I am glad that I have those memories with her.

This picture was taken in my gramma's backyard about 22 years ago. At this point in time, she and I were inseparable! We did everything together!!

Gramma ~

I love you and will miss you greatly! Give Mom and Pa-Bill a hug for me!!

Love Gina
xoxo

The next chapter

I finally went to go see Sex and The City last night. I have several friends who wanted/offered to go see it with me, but I secretly wanted to go see it by myself. I had a feeling it would be really emotional for me, the whole happy ending, etc., and I was right.

Since it was 10:20 on a Sunday evening, there were only 2 other girls in the theater with me. They were sitting about 8 rows in front of me, so I was free to sit in the back and cry all by myself - which is exactly what I did! I cried for almost the whole movie!! And not in a "I want to go home and slit my wrists" kind of way, but in a happy, sad, angry, emotional mess kind of a way. It was kind of cathartic. Apparently I have some unresolved feeling I need to work through...

I think that the other 2 moviegoers were probably around 22-years-old. It got me to thinking about how different I was at 22 then I am now, on the eve of my 30th birthday. So much has happened, both good and bad. However, I feel like I have spent the majority of the last year of my twenties in tears. It has definitely been a rough year. I hope that as I embark on the next decade of my life, I have learned some lessons, and can effectively implement what I learned!

Ten things I hope to accomplish in my thirties:
1. Finish my thesis and get it published.
2. Finally get my undergrad thesis published.
3. Finish the book I'm working on and get that published. (I'm starting to see a theme here...)
4. Find a job I love.
5. Incorporate dance back into my life.
6. Become a licensed therapist.
7. Get my financial life in order.
8. Buy a house.
9. Get a dog :)
10. Look back at this list and be able to check off every item!

"What if..."

I was reading a book last night in which the main character found out that her high school sweetheart got involved with the Mob and was eventually killed. She asked herself, "What if we had stayed together? Would things have been different for him? Aren't there some decisions in your life that are so profound that they not only affect your life, but the lives of those around you?" This got me thinking about K.

When we dated in high school, it was all a secret because my family didn't approve. It made things difficult for us, and ultimately, it is what came between us. After reconnecting with him, I wonder how things might have been different if we had stayed together. If he were accepted into my family, would he have gotten away from the "wrong crowd?" Maybe graduated high school and gone on to college? Or would it have worked the other way? Would he have pulled me over to the other side. Maybe I would've ended up on the wrong path... Somehow I think the first scenario sounds more accurate.

I know I can't envelop myself in "what ifs." It was just something I thought about...

Alcohol classes and other fun events

I turn 30 in one week from today. I was going to have a party at my friend's house, but things are not going too well for her right now either, so no party. Maybe I'll just get another cat...

And while I'm still reading Bitch, I have decided that it just isn't me. It feels so unnatural to try and act that way. I think the book is good to remind women not to lose themselves in a relationship, but that's about it. I would hate to look back in a year and think things may have worked out differently if only I had been myself. So, in an effort to maintain my authenticity, I'm just going to approach K like I have wanted to all along, and just be natural with him. If things are really meant to be, then I have to trust that they will happen. As long as I am myself, then there is nothing more that I can do.

Blogs of Colorado Springs

In an effort to expand my blogging horizons, I sifted through the 838 blogs of people from Colorado Springs. I have learned a few things... There are lots of people who have joint blogs with their significant other. This is particularly obnoxious when the blog is listed as "Mrs. So-and-so." Hello, ladies?? Can you say, "giving up your entire identity???" I have also learned that people in Colorado Springs blog a lot about knitting, scrapbooking, and Jesus Christ. No wonder I haven't found my soul mate here!! LOL!

If anyone knows any good blogs to read, please let me know!

Getting back to life

All went well at the DMV and I am now a licensed driver again!! WOO HOO!!!!! I got my license back Wed morning and feel like I haven't really been home since then. I have been trying to make-up for the last month of doing absolutely nothing, so I have been going to school, getting back on track with my advisor, running errands, and seeing friends.

Since I haven't been home too much, I still haven't finished the Bitch book. And I haven't been implementing anything too much lately, as I think natural disasters overrule the use of the rules.
K lives in Cedar Rapids, IA. Last Tuesday, Cedar Rapids began flooding. The river finally crested Saturday and is starting to receded, but they don't expect the waters to fully recede for almost 2 weeks! K and his roommate were evacuated from their apartment last Tuesday and are not going to be able to return until at least July 1. All of downtown Cedar Rapids, every bar, restaurant, etc. that I visited while I was there is pretty much destroyed. K told me there were people's things, parts of their houses, etc. floating through the streets of downtown. I think over 24,000 people were evacuated from downtown!

"...just friends"

I saw MW last night in our quest to remain "just friends." All went well and we had a good time. He mentioned again that the only regret he has when it comes to our relationship is that he didn't fight for it when I ended it the first time. Now he is "stuck" in a situation and things between us are final. It seems that there is no longer the possibility of rekindling anything. That's fine, we can be friends... But why is it that no one ever wants to fight for me when they have me? I want to be with a man who will stand beside and who will fight for me and for our relationship. I thought maybe K would be that man, but when things got tough, he bowed out and couldn't fight for our relationship.

A girlfriend of mine recently described me as "steadfast and true" in my relationships, with both men and women. I think she's right, so why is it so difficult to find someone who possesses those same qualities and who will utilize them when it comes to his relationship with me?

I'm about halfway through the Bitch book. I still feel that it is more about self-esteem and being able to stand up for yourself than about anything else. Yesterday MW was asking me what happened with K, so I gave him the Reader's Digest version. He said, "You never know, he may come back." He's right, K might come back. In all actuality, it wouldn't surprise me if he did come back in 6 months saying that he's finally ready, has worked through all the drama, etc. But I don't know if I want to be with a man who wouldn't fight for me the first time around...