One step closer...

I can't stop mentally redecorating the house now that I've started!! I even made little computer generated mock-ups of how I want the rooms to look when I'm done!

Master Bathroom:

Kitchen:

Living Room:

Hopefully soon I will be able to post some real-life pictures of the house!

Decorating 101

Over the past weekend, my stepmom and stepsister came to visit little brother and I. This was the first time either of them had ever been inside the house. My stepmom was filled with ideas about how to decorate. There are several problems with this:

1. I don't have any money. Maybe she forgot that I am a student who lives in loans and credit cards.


2. Her style of decorating is TOTALLY different than mine. No colonial crafts, please.


3. I know she is coming from a good place, but I don't really want her help to decorate my mother's old home.

But she did get me thinking about how I would like to decorate... She is not very creative in an artistic sense. She uses the word "artsy" a lot. I don't think people who use the word "artsy" to describe something creative have any real creativity or eye for art. I'm not saying that I have any works currently on display at MOMA, but I have my moments.

I think I want to do the kitchen in Tuscan colors or prints. I want to paint the wall a pale orange/yellow color and hang this print. I like the feeling of warm colors and wine. It seems so cozy to me!

Or I might go completely the opposite direction, paint the wall bright white, and print out 10 of these and frame them on the wall...

In the living room, there is one floral printed couch (ugly, but comfortable) in fall colors; rust brown, red, orange, and greens. There is also a big avocado green chair in this room. (Again, ugly, but comfortable.) Since I can't afford to buy new furniture right now, I need to work with what I have. This room is HUGE, so I want to paint at least 2 walls, maybe more, a really bold color. I'm thinking a rust/red. For the walls I may hang a bunch of copper painted frames, or this print.

Or, to tone down the room, I could hang something simple, like this:

Oh, to have the time.... But school started today and I am having a slight anxiety attack. Probably why I have spent the last hour mentally decorating the house!

I hope everyone in Blogger Land has a fabulous Monday!
xoxo
g.


P.S. Only 3 weeks until the season premiere of Gossip Girl!! OMFG!!

"I got yo' crazy!"

Not to quote Britney Spears, but, yes, I've been a bit crazy lately. I noticed as I was writing the other day that my last two instances of severe crazy coincided with the week or so before my period. I don't remember ever being this crazy from PMS. Maybe it's an age thing? Hopefully now that I've made that connection I can keep my crazy in check a little better. Here's hoping!

P-I-N-K!!!!

When I was little, I wanted everything in my life to be pink... EVERYTHING. This would have been my dream house... Pink Walls.

Casa de Tambone!

Well, our big grand opening soiree was a success! My friend (ex-friend) G did not come (although she did try to convince little brother to go camping with her instead of staying for the party), there was no drama, nothing got stolen or broken, no one threw up, and everyone got home safely! SUCCESS!!

The best part of the party for me was having tons of laughing smiling faces in this house again after so many years of sadness and pain.

The hardest part of the party for me was the end of the night when it was just myself and an old bf talking, and I realized that we might have missed our window. At one time we were so happy, at one time I was ready to marry him, sometimes I still think we could be happy together... and other times I feel like I passed up the only opportunity I had with the best guy I've ever met.

un-Great Expectations

Before little bother moved out here, we spoke on the phone frequently about all the things we would do together; see Colorado, ride roller coasters, go to concerts, and have big parties at the house. Having done very few of these things since he has been here, it is now time for our first party - The Grand Opening! Except.... he seems like he could care less, He hasn't helped me do anything to get the house ready, will not be helping me shop, and will not be helping me to prep tomorrow. Yesterday he sat downstairs and played video games for like 6 hours. I asked him to clean his bathroom last week and he told me to stop obsessing. (By the way, this was the first and only time I asked him to do anything specific in preparation for the shindig.) Then last night he told me that he doesn't even really care about the party. Well, that's just great. I have invited all my friends over so we can welcome little brother to CO and he doesn't even care. Apparently all his grand ideas of big parties where he gets to play bartender and DJ have gone by the wayside.

I had these great expectations of how things would be when he got here. I felt like maybe I would have some semblance of a normal family for the first time in my life, some type of partnership to depend on. Instead, I have alienated older brother, who is already not my biggest fan, I seem to be pushing little brother away, and I feel lonelier than I did before.

The only common denominator here is me. What is it about me that causes my relationships to be broken? Am I that emotionally damaged that I can't have a healthy relationship with anyone anymore?

I feel like everything is just a big mess and I don't know how to fix it. Maybe with the start of school in 2 weeks things will calm down. I will have to throw myself into work and maybe the tension will dissipate and we will find a happy medium. I hope so.

Did you get the memo?

I didn't start the day, or any day this week, with an early morning workout, coffee, and blog, but I'm getting a little better. I have been in such a funk lately and I really need to snap out of it. I have been so wrapped up in the drama between little brother and my friend that I have let the rest of my life slide in some ways. I was really looking forward to our housewarming party, but now I know she is going to be there, all I feel is dread. I know I need to stop; she does not have enough power over me to control my emotions. Now if I could just get that memo sent to my emotions, that would be great...

Today I will try to remember that I am the only one who controls my feelings, one person cannot take away from all the rest that is good in my life, and I don't need to gain my happiness from another person. I will take pride in my work today and enjoy an evening manicure with a girlfriend.

Hope you all have a fabulous day!! I feel better already! :)

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!"

M and I are having our very first party at the house this coming Saturday. It is a chance for us to open the house to my friends and introduce them all to the infamous little brother. I went back and forth for a long time with myself about whether or not to invite friend G.

I am still having a hard time dealing with the fact that I feel like she used me to get to M and that she in essence chose him over me. I feel like vying for his affection was more important to her than the potential harm it would do to the relationship between her and I. I know this is somewhat ridiculous and irrational, (ok, it is A LOT irrational) but it is still the way I feel. I found out recently that G and M have been talking pretty frequently and have seen each other a few times. I also know that she is continuing to act in ways for him that she would not act for other people, but that's kind of a different story.

Back to the topic at hand; we are having a party and after much deliberation, I chose not to invite her. I don't want there to be drama and I want to be able to just relax and enjoy myself. Last night at dinner M asked me if G was going to be at the party and I told him I didn't invite her. Then he told me that he already invited her... like 4 days ago. We ended up having a pretty big argument about the situation and I ended up not sleeping last night because of it. I could simply not stop ruminating about the situation!!! I can't stop feeling hurt and angry and betrayed at both of them. I hate feeling that way and I hate that I couldn't make it stop last night.

Today I called my dear friend S and asked her to "therapize" me. (She's a fabulous therapist!) She asked me to just think about the situation, not the players and to focus on me. "Gina, what message is this situation sending to you about yourself?" It stopped me dead in my tracks because the first thing that popped into my head was, "I'm not enough." Something about this situation taps into this misguided core belief I have that I'm not enough. I wasn't enough to hold on to ex-bf M, my friendship isn't enough or important enough to G for her to respect this one request of mine, and I'm not enough even for my family. I'm not enough and I'm not worthy of receiving anyone's unconditional love.

This isn't something that I think on a conscious level, or that I'm even aware of most of the time, but apparently its there. So how do I deal with it? And what am I supposed to do in the meantime?

The Early Bird

I've just spent a bit of time checking out some other blogs. I wish I had time to maintain a blog that way, with beautiful pictures and videos, clever writings, and the ability to keep it up to date. I wish I was the kind of person who loved early morning alone time. If I were, I would get up around 5am, have a nice, hot cup of coffee, and write in my blog for the day. Then I would have a quick workout, shower, and start my day relaxed and ready to take on the world. Instead, I sleep until the very last second I possibly can, am running perpetually 10 min late, and haven't worked out forever. Also, I am the world's best procrastinator. School starts in 2 weeks. I was supposed to have my thesis ready to propose by the end of the month. However, since I haven't looked at it in about a year, I'm thinking that's not going to happen...

Love Notes and Lavatories

I feel like I should start by apologizing for my last rant about my friend G and my little brother... but that's what blogging is all about right? Say what you want, how you want, with no apologies. So I'll just move forward...

I have been trying to live this past year always keeping in the back of my head the thought of giving back to others. I feel like, overall, I have done a pretty good job (e.g., Once a Month Charity Club, Locks of Love, volunteering, etc.). Although the ways I have given back to others have been small, it is the spirit of giving that is important; at least to me, and at least for now. This brings me to my experience at the movie theater bathroom last week.

A friend and I went to see The Ugly Truth (which wasn't that good). After the movie, I went to use the restroom. When I walked into the stall and shut the door, I looked down at the toilet and saw a post-it note, posted on the inside back of the toilet that read, "U R beautiful - no matter what the scale says!" It was posted in such a way that, even after a flush, the note stays there. I immediately smiled and chuckled to myself, then I bent down with my phone and took a picture of it. (I'm sure if there were other people in the restroom they probably thought I was crazy; giggling to myself and taking pictures in the bathroom stall.) I left the bathroom feeling ridiculously happy for something so small, but that fact that someone left the note in the first place is really what made me smile.

So today I bought a new pack of post-its and a keychain marker. I will carry them with me always and leave random notes of positivity wherever I go! Just doing my part to spread a little cheer throughout the world!

Thank you, Random Bathroom Post-It Note Affirmation Lady!!!