Lately I feel like I'm stuck in that phase where, as soon as you break up with someone, you can only remember all of the good things about them, so I've been trying to remember all of the things about Matt that drove me crazy. I think I was doing a pretty good job, but then… I've been having dreams about him and I wake up and feel like shit all over again.
I hate that 2 months later I'm still crying over that bastard when I'm sure that he never gives me a second thought. I don't understand how guys can just turn their emotions off like a light switch. Sometimes I wish I could be emotionally impotent like that, too. It sure would have made the last few months easier.
Yesterday I finished the first step in a huge undertaking; I finished my first semester of graduate school!! I should be running around and jumping up and down, but all I can think is that I wish I could share it with Matt. He was there through my studying for and taking the GREs, he was there when I got accepted, and he was there for the start of it. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that he won't be there for the end of it.
I'm afraid that he will have learned a lot from our relationship and now he will go and be the prefect boyfriend to some other girl who didn't put in all the work. I'm afraid that I will graduate from school and become successful, but be all alone with no one to share it with (except the kitties!). I'm afraid hat I'll never be able to really trust anyone again, because I trusted Matt, and look how that turned out…
Thank God for girlfriends and liquor!
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