F%*#ing Douchebag

Yeah! I was finally productive today!! Still haven't worked on any school stuff, but it's a start!!

Maybe I was finally productive today because I was having an angry day. I keep having these dreams about Matt where he is really mean to me, won't make eye contact, and tells me how he is in love with someone else now, that he never felt about me the way he feels about her, and that he never really cared about me. Shitty, right? It makes me so mad because sleep is the one time when I should be able to NOT think about him, and he keeps creeping into my subconscious. On top of all that, then I wake up and I'm already in a terrible mood! And I know that he is certainly not thinking about me and letting it ruin his day.

The reason this has been such a hard breakup for me is because I thought this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Not because I had some deluded ideals about our relationship, but because that's what the motherfucker told me!! "You're so amazing." "I didn't know women could be like you." "You're the woman I want to spend my life with." "We're partners. I'll always be there for you. We'll find a way to work things out." I didn't imagine all that shit, but maybe he's suffering from some amnesia and doesn't remember saying it.

I know he's out there dating and fucking everything that walks through his bar, and I feel like I'm stuck. It's bullshit that as a result of his cowardice (that's for you, Carrie ) he's the one who is running around all happy and I'm the one who suffers.

Part of me wishes that I could be one of those people that thinks we weren't right together, so I hope that he finds someone to make him happy, but I'm not, at least not in this case. There are people who I feel that way about (you guys know who you are!) but in this case, I hope that lying piece of shit is miserable and unhappy for a long time.

I realize that this sounds bitter, hateful, and a bit psycho, and it is. But I can't help feeling this way right now. I know it will eventually subside, I'm just not there yet...